Outing The Emperor Of Irrational and Bad Behavior

I work with women everyday that believe the lies.  Shoot, I believed the lies.  I believed what I was told as a child, on the playground, in the classroom, at ballet class and at home.  We were told that we were too loud, too sensitive, too dumb, too ugly. We slowly accepted those lies as truths, even though our heart and our eyes told us otherwise.  We lost faith in our own inner compass, buying into this distorted fairytale reality.  Much like the child in the crowd, we could see that the Emperor was naked but believed the crowd that he must be wearing clothes. 

As we matured into adult women we fed our minds by pursuing further education.  We fed our hearts by pursuing relationships that nurtured our souls and our spirits.  We went after all kinds of things in an effort to continue to grow as a woman and a human being.  But, for some reason we held onto the lies from our childhood like a badge of honor, something we fought for and achieved, putting little effort into growing past the confinement of the lie.

I think, many times, it’s difficult to let go of the lies because the person that taught us that we were ‘less than’ is a loved one, someone we trusted to have our best interest at heart, someone that should have been our protector, our lifeline, our best ally.  To believe that the lie is, in fact, a lie means that we were deceived.  It means our ally was, for all intent and purpose, a spy...working for the other side.  A betrayer of our heart.

Growth cannot happen, change cannot occur, happiness cannot be achieved until we acknowledge the lie for what it is, a horrible distortion of the truth imposed upon us without our approval, or knowledge.  Facing this truth can expose all kinds of pain, uncertainty and feelings of betrayal...IF you focus on the messenger and not on the message.  As soon as we can let go of the intent of the messenger, we can dispel the lie with relative ease.  I know this because I’ve done it.

Because we are loving, nurturing individuals we assume that the abuser/messenger (usually a parent, spouse, or loved one) has ‘done‘ this to us on purpose, with calculated intent.  Based on our definition of decent human behavior, this is the only way it makes sense.  We assume they are using our logic, which says that a loving person doesn’t ‘do this‘ to someone they love.  

What if, instead, we use the example of a Busy Box, a toy designed to keep babies happy in their crib.  The baby pushes a button and a bell rings. They spin a wheel and a whistle sounds.  The baby is taught that if they perform 1 action another pleasurable reaction occurs.  This is how human behavior is learned.  The abuser in your life was taught their unpleasant and unfavorable behavior the same way.  Somewhere along the line they criticized and were rewarded for that behavior, by peer approval, by feeling better about themselves, or by getting attention.  Good and bad, all of our behaviors were learned this way.

There is no intent involved other than self reward.  And, this behavior becomes so ingrained it dictates how we navigate through the many interactions of our lives.  We just do it.

The problem I have found with getting beyond the ugly behavior of the lie is that we can’t get past ‘How could they do this to me?‘  When the question should be ‘How can I release the hold they have on me by letting go of their intent?’  Because if there is no intent, then their behavior is just irrational, a poorly executed social education.  By accepting this definition you are not condoning their behavior, because, in most cases, their is no excuse.  Instead, it allows you to release their bad behavior, putting it squarely on their shoulders to live and deal with as they may.  And, more important, it allows you to move past the lie.  Because if they are irrational beings, working from a distorted ingrained, learned behavior... They can’t be right.  You are free to be the person you know resides in your heart, the one that calls to you to be heard and be honored.  It gives you permission to let go of the lie because the person that imposed it on you was basically not sane.  This person becomes the fairytale Emperor With No Clothes, and you become a Visionary, the only person with the clarity of mind, and boldness of spirit to see that he’s naked!

What lie are you holding onto?  Can you relegate your abuser/messenger to the role of The Emperor of Irrational and Bad Behavior? Can you become the Visionary of Truth to your own inner light?  If you can let go of the need to make sense of their behavior you can use all of that misdirected energy to create the life you deserve, one of happiness, fulfillment and contentment.