Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Breaking the Approval-Loop : Taking the Real Me for a Test Drive


Expectation and approval, possibly, two of the most disruptive of human mental ‘states’ we possess.  They continue to confound me both personally and societally.  Even when collecting my thoughts for a way in which to describe them I wrestled with the impact, effect and power they hold over our being, both mental and emotional.
Today I was struck by a feeling of new-found freedom, that was driven by an equally new-found lack of expectation, in my lifelong pursuit of approval from a parent.  Recently, I chose, for my emotional self-preservation, to cut off verbal (voice) communication with my father.  It was done respectfully.  I’m sure it was as painful for him as it was for me.  My request for blocking phone conversations came with a caveat. (in this case, an olive branch of sorts)  I offered that I was willing to receive letters from him, and would write, thus providing us an alternative venue in which to forge a new relationship based on respect, and the honoring of my feelings and opinions, as well as his.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Everything is Different : Coping With Change


I opened my eyes and immediately thought ‘It’s different.  Everything is different.’  It is Christmas morning and there are no kids here.  There is no flutter of excitement in my stomach, no anticipation of youthful exuberance and joy over treasures wished for and received.  No talk of Santa coming...no need to put floured boot prints on the carpet.  One more mile marker honoring the passage of the most golden time of my life.  I can’t help but tear up.  A most precious era has past, never to be experienced again.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

When Is It Appropriate to Smite a Gorgon?


We all have those experiences, those individuals that cross our path that just mess with our ‘Bliss’.  The person that appears normal at the first, or even second meeting, that lulls you into thinking they are a rational individual, operating on the “Roberts Rules of Order for Normal Human Behavior” and then WHAM!  They wack you right up side the head with some outrageously bazaar act of ickiness, so mean that you are left dumbstruck.
I’m not sure I know what is the correct action in such a situation.  A good smack always comes first to my mind (kidding), although a pie in the face might do.  Something, anything to make them wake up and see the absurdity of their behavior.  The few times this has occurred to me the individual in question has been acting from blind self interest, so absolutely certain of the rightness of their cause they can’t see the pain, confusion and overall chaos they are causing.  They are like an evil Gorgon on crack!  Dashing around in this whirl of negative energy causing mayhem and destruction.
My question is...when this is not a gorgon, but a real individual, and the person being hurt is a loved one, what do you do?  in the past, I have watched a precious relationship being sorely tested, intruded upon by a third party.  I was close enough that was really painful to watch.  But, smart enough to know that it’s not my journey, not my decision,  not my place...blah, blah, blah.  Taking the high road sucks, sometimes.
What do I do with my emotions, which range from anger to outrage?  I know I’m supposed to let it go, breath, meditate...more blah, blah, blah.  I would love to hear from you.  What have you done in similar situations?  Slayed the Gorgon? (where’s my sword?) Watched from the sidelines and prayed for the best?  Journaled like a maniac, seeking relief?  What?

Monday, December 19, 2011

A Community of Women : Changing the Balance of Power


I love reading something, or hearing something that brings you up short and makes you question, rethink, or challenge a basic belief.  I just started reading a book encouraging women to claim their power in society called ‘No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change How We Think About Power’ when this exact phenomenon occurred.  In this particular instance, I was immediately offended.  To paraphrase, the author, Gloria Feldt, stated that if, as women, we choose to be stay-at-home mom’s we are not supporting the plight of women to achieve job equality and stature, or power.

Friday, December 16, 2011

It’s Just a Stupid Pot of Coffee. Or is it?


I was a card carrying “Hearth & Home Maniac-tress”.  A made up title, but a perfect description of my blind over-devotion to husband, sons, and home.  The level of perfection I demanded from myself is staggering.  My identity and self worth was defined by a made up list of qualifications as to what a good wife and mother did and how well I could fulfill each and every item on it.  There was never an either-or.  It was all or nothing.  If it wasn’t perfect I was a failure, and probably unloveable.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Tales of Courage in Everyday Lives


Women tell such fascinating stories, their lives filled with the ups and downs of the human experience.  Yet, each one is wrapped up like a lovely package in pretty clothes and well groomed hair, their heart easily visible in their eyes for any who take the time to look.  These women go through life with this magic cloak of normalcy surrounding them, shielding us mere mortals from seeing their troubled childhood, the scars of an abusive spouse, a traumatic experience, a devastating loss.  They look like you and me.  In most cases, they are you and me.
People always talk about how resilient children are, and they do bounce along over life's struggles pretty easily.  But, women, to me, win the prize in this category.  The courage and perseverance I see everyday of women who have overcome the tremendous struggles life has placed on their doorstep, and the subsequent strength they exhibit so thoughtlessly, as they go on to lead ‘regular, everyday lives’, leaves me speechless.  
I have spoken with women who have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused, women who were abandoned, who have experience numerous deaths of loved ones in short periods of time.  Recently, I have heard all kinds of stories that make my heart ache, and still I listen.  These are not the everyday ‘whinings‘ we all share and hear.  These are the real stories, the ones that come from a child’s heart, a teenagers body, a wife and mother’s loneliness.  The stories that I’m hearing have rarely, or never been told in these raw terms.  And, I am honored and humbled to be ‘the listener’.
Although these women feel like an ‘everyday Sally’, they are in fact heroes, each and every one.  They have looked fear, danger and dispair in the eye and said ‘You can’t have me’.  Whether that threat came in the form of an alcoholic mother, an abusive father, a self destructive child,  3 deaths in 6 months, or countless other life experiences,  none of them caved.  They all had that amazing resilience to continue on we only attribute to children.  
I salute the women of my circle, of my community and beyond.  You are brave beyond words.  You are wonderful beyond your own imaginings.  I am talking to You...Yes, you!  You inspire me and make me immensely proud to call myself “Woman”.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Time for Change (or Enlightenment Comes in Dog Pose)


Today I went to yoga class.  It’s the same class I always go to, the same teacher, the same time.  I expected the same yoga-rific experience.  Lot’s of Downward Dogs, and Warrior poses, the combination of movement and mental focus a perfectly choreographed dance of meditation and movement, where I am in the zone and nothing outside my body exists.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Step #7 Share the load, accepting things will not be done 'your way'.


You are just about ready to lead your first Town Meeting.  Be prepared.  Read through this entire document before beginning.  Take time to imagine how the meeting will feel.  You will be given tools to rely on if you feel overwhelmed, outnumbered or behavior becomes a problem.  Imagine how you will handle conflict, if or when it arises. Imagine yourself remaining, and in control.  

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Step #6 Let Go of Perfection : Good Enough is Good Enough



Preparing for you Town Meeting
Today’s step is really important.  It is where true liberation occurs.  The Town Meeting will take courage and, possibly, a few scripted lines to get you through.  
This part of the process is also, initially, quiet a bit of work.  It may actually feel more stressful than your usual holiday stress BECAUSE you are choosing to change behaviors and habits, yours and those of others.  It is natural for people to dig their heals in, put up a stink, attempt revolt.  A clear well thought out plan, that you are committed to, will save the day. 

Friday, December 2, 2011

Step #5 Schedule all activities as though they were business appointments.


Using a calendar, schedule all items with a number 1 next to them, assuring that you allot sufficient time to complete the task.  These are appointments with you.  Treat them with the reverence of a doctors appointment.

Taking the time to actually pencil all expectations onto your calendar will assures 4 things:
  1. You visually see the number of expectations thus far
  2. You have estimated how long each task is going to take
  3. It provides a visual, non-emotional accounting as to whether all the 'must-do's will realistically fit in the upcoming weeks
  4. You gain peace of mind knowing that they will get done.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Step #4 To Simplify Any Holiday : Mindfully Lighten Your Load


On a fresh piece of paper re-write all items you have put a 3 next to. Consider that these items, by your own admission, do not serve you.

 You have several choices, all are brave.  All will make any holiday less stressful and more simple.
  • Draw a line through 1 item on the list, thereby eliminating it from your holiday practices.  This can be extremely difficult for most people.  Remember, this is where change starts.  You are giving yourself a free pass from doing this activity this year.
  • Draw a line through 2 or more items. ( if you feel strongly about this process and are really fed up with the negative feelings associated with holidays.) Revel in the cockiness you may be feeling with your new found commitment.
  • If you are feeling bodacious and totally liberated by this activity, cross off everything on the whole list.  You are officially free from all activities that do not serve you.


Note: This process will doubtless affect others in your life.  Options will be offered in step 6 as to how to deal with your choice as it impacts others. 
IMPORTANT : NO MATTER WHICH CHOICE YOU MADE...rejoice in your liberations.  Praise yourself for your bravery.  Changing a habit is extremely difficult.  Remember each day that you chose to be strong, to honor your commitment to yourself andmake a change.

Stayed tuned as we work through scheduling, and involving those around you to join in the fun.