Breaking the Approval-Loop : Taking the Real Me for a Test Drive

Expectation and approval, possibly, two of the most disruptive of human mental ‘states’ we possess.  They continue to confound me both personally and societally.  Even when collecting my thoughts for a way in which to describe them I wrestled with the impact, effect and power they hold over our being, both mental and emotional.

Today I was struck by a feeling of new-found freedom, that was driven by an equally new-found lack of expectation, in my lifelong pursuit of approval from a parent.  Recently, I chose, for my emotional self-preservation, to cut off verbal (voice) communication with my father.  It was done respectfully.  I’m sure it was as painful for him as it was for me.  My request for blocking phone conversations came with a caveat. (in this case, an olive branch of sorts)  I offered that I was willing to receive letters from him, and would write, thus providing us an alternative venue in which to forge a new relationship based on respect, and the honoring of my feelings and opinions, as well as his.

Everything is Different : Coping With Change

I opened my eyes and immediately thought ‘It’s different.  Everything is different.’  It is Christmas morning and there are no kids here.  There is no flutter of excitement in my stomach, no anticipation of youthful exuberance and joy over treasures wished for and received.  No talk of Santa coming...no need to put floured boot prints on the carpet.  One more mile marker honoring the passage of the most golden time of my life.  I can’t help but tear up.  A most precious era has past, never to be experienced again.

When Is It Appropriate to Smite a Gorgon?

We all have those experiences, those individuals that cross our path that just mess with our ‘Bliss’.  The person that appears normal at the first, or even second meeting, that lulls you into thinking they are a rational individual, operating on the “Roberts Rules of Order for Normal Human Behavior” and then WHAM!  They wack you right up side the head with some outrageously bazaar act of ickiness, so mean that you are left dumbstruck.

I’m not sure I know what is the correct action in such a situation.  A good smack always comes first to my mind (kidding), although a pie in the face might do.  Something, anything to make them wake up and see the absurdity of their behavior.  The few times this has occurred to me the individual in question has been acting from blind self interest, so absolutely certain of the rightness of their cause they can’t see the pain, confusion and overall chaos they are causing.  They are like an evil Gorgon on crack!  Dashing around in this whirl of negative energy causing mayhem and destruction.

My question is...when this is not a gorgon, but a real individual, and the person being hurt is a loved one, what do you do?  in the past, I have watched a precious relationship being sorely tested, intruded upon by a third party.  I was close enough that was really painful to watch.  But, smart enough to know that it’s not my journey, not my decision,  not my place...blah, blah, blah.  Taking the high road sucks, sometimes.

What do I do with my emotions, which range from anger to outrage?  I know I’m supposed to let it go, breath, meditate...more blah, blah, blah.  I would love to hear from you.  What have you done in similar situations?  Slayed the Gorgon? (where’s my sword?) Watched from the sidelines and prayed for the best?  Journaled like a maniac, seeking relief?  What?

A Community of Women : Changing the Balance of Power

I love reading something, or hearing something that brings you up short and makes you question, rethink, or challenge a basic belief.  I just started reading a book encouraging women to claim their power in society called ‘No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change How We Think About Power’ when this exact phenomenon occurred.  In this particular instance, I was immediately offended.  To paraphrase, the author, Gloria Feldt, stated that if, as women, we choose to be stay-at-home mom’s we are not supporting the plight of women to achieve job equality and stature, or power.

It’s Just a Stupid Pot of Coffee. Or is it?

I was a card carrying “Hearth & Home Maniac-tress”.  A made up title, but a perfect description of my blind over-devotion to husband, sons, and home.  The level of perfection I demanded from myself is staggering.  My identity and self worth was defined by a made up list of qualifications as to what a good wife and mother did and how well I could fulfill each and every item on it.  There was never an either-or.  It was all or nothing.  If it wasn’t perfect I was a failure, and probably unloveable.

Tales of Courage in Everyday Lives

Women tell such fascinating stories, their lives filled with the ups and downs of the human experience.  Yet, each one is wrapped up like a lovely package in pretty clothes and well groomed hair, their heart easily visible in their eyes for any who take the time to look.  These women go through life with this magic cloak of normalcy surrounding them, shielding us mere mortals from seeing their troubled childhood, the scars of an abusive spouse, a traumatic experience, a devastating loss.  They look like you and me.  In most cases, they are you and me.

People always talk about how resilient children are, and they do bounce along over life's struggles pretty easily.  But, women, to me, win the prize in this category.  The courage and perseverance I see everyday of women who have overcome the tremendous struggles life has placed on their doorstep, and the subsequent strength they exhibit so thoughtlessly, as they go on to lead ‘regular, everyday lives’, leaves me speechless.  

I have spoken with women who have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused, women who were abandoned, who have experience numerous deaths of loved ones in short periods of time.  Recently, I have heard all kinds of stories that make my heart ache, and still I listen.  These are not the everyday ‘whinings‘ we all share and hear.  These are the real stories, the ones that come from a child’s heart, a teenagers body, a wife and mother’s loneliness.  The stories that I’m hearing have rarely, or never been told in these raw terms.  And, I am honored and humbled to be ‘the listener’.

Although these women feel like an ‘everyday Sally’, they are in fact heroes, each and every one.  They have looked fear, danger and dispair in the eye and said ‘You can’t have me’.  Whether that threat came in the form of an alcoholic mother, an abusive father, a self destructive child,  3 deaths in 6 months, or countless other life experiences,  none of them caved.  They all had that amazing resilience to continue on we only attribute to children.  

I salute the women of my circle, of my community and beyond.  You are brave beyond words.  You are wonderful beyond your own imaginings.  I am talking to You...Yes, you!  You inspire me and make me immensely proud to call myself “Woman”.

A Time for Change (or Enlightenment Comes in Dog Pose)

Today I went to yoga class.  It’s the same class I always go to, the same teacher, the same time.  I expected the same yoga-rific experience.  Lot’s of Downward Dogs, and Warrior poses, the combination of movement and mental focus a perfectly choreographed dance of meditation and movement, where I am in the zone and nothing outside my body exists.

Step #7 Share the load, accepting things will not be done 'your way'.

You are just about ready to lead your first Town Meeting.  Be prepared.  Read through this entire document before beginning.  Take time to imagine how the meeting will feel.  You will be given tools to rely on if you feel overwhelmed, outnumbered or behavior becomes a problem.  Imagine how you will handle conflict, if or when it arises. Imagine yourself remaining, and in control.  

Step #6 Let Go of Perfection : Good Enough is Good Enough

Preparing for you Town Meeting

Today’s step is really important.  It is where true liberation occurs.  The Town Meeting will take courage and, possibly, a few scripted lines to get you through.  

This part of the process is also, initially, quiet a bit of work.  It may actually feel more stressful than your usual holiday stress BECAUSE you are choosing to change behaviors and habits, yours and those of others.  It is natural for people to dig their heals in, put up a stink, attempt revolt.  A clear well thought out plan, that you are committed to, will save the day. 

Fearless at 53 means never saying "I'm too old to do that"

Step #5 Schedule all activities as though they were business appointments.

Using a calendar, schedule all items with a number 1 next to them, assuring that you allot sufficient time to complete the task.  These are appointments with you.  Treat them with the reverence of a doctors appointment.

Taking the time to actually pencil all expectations onto your calendar will assures 4 things:

1. You visually see the number of expectations thus far
2. You have estimated how long each task is going to take
3. It provides a visual, non-emotional accounting as to whether all the 'must-do's will realistically fit in the upcoming weeks
4. You gain peace of mind knowing that they will get done.

Step #4 To Simplify Any Holiday : Mindfully Lighten Your Load

On a fresh piece of paper re-write all items you have put a 3 next to. Consider that these items, by your own admission, do not serve you.

 You have several choices, all are brave.  All will make any holiday less stressful and more simple.

• Draw a line through 1 item on the list, thereby eliminating it from your holiday practices.  This can be extremely difficult for most people.  Remember, this is where change starts.  You are giving yourself a free pass from doing this activity this year.
• Draw a line through 2 or more items. ( if you feel strongly about this process and are really fed up with the negative feelings associated with holidays.) Revel in the cockiness you may be feeling with your new found commitment.
• If you are feeling bodacious and totally liberated by this activity, cross off everything on the whole list.  You are officially free from all activities that do not serve you.

Note: This process will doubtless affect others in your life.  Options will be offered in step 6 as to how to deal with your choice as it impacts others. 

IMPORTANT : NO MATTER WHICH CHOICE YOU MADE...rejoice in your liberations.  Praise yourself for your bravery.  Changing a habit is extremely difficult.  Remember each day that you chose to be strong, to honor your commitment to yourself andmake a change.

Stayed tuned as we work through scheduling, and involving those around you to join in the fun.

Step #3 Give Yourself Objectivity

Step #3 - Creating a plan helps remove some of the emotion attachment and allows you to look at your choices with a more objective perspective.  Proceed by realistically, and objectively looking at your list to discern the likelihood that you can fit everything into the upcoming time period.  Use the following numbering system to begin the process of planning and scheduling.

Review your list from yesterday, considering each item carefully.  Use the following guidelines to help prioritize.  This process may take some time.  Be thoughtful with your choices.

1. Put a 1 next to items that are important specifically to you. (and only you) 
2. Put a 2 next to things you do because your kids, husband, friend expects it of you. 
3. Put a 3 next to things you do purely out of habit,  because it’s the way you’ve always done it, or the way your parents/family always did it.

Congratulations!  You are that much closer to freeing yourself from chronic Holiday Stress-itis.

What is That Chatter in My Head?

While walking this morning, mindlessly pondering my contribution to a collaborative book to be released in 2012, I realized there was chatter going on in my head of a negative nature.  I find myself frequently marveling at the collection of contributing women co-authors that surround me and their fascinating life stories of bravery, strength and perseverance. I am so inspired by them, I am frequently left thinking they should be forced to wear Wonder Woman costumes, complete with cape, as their everyday attire.  And, then there is me...My story is sooo boring compared to theirs. At least that is what ‘Nasty Nancy’, who resides in my head, is telling me. ‘Who’s going to want to read your story?’ she whines.  ‘It’s so dull.’  Well, shoot!

Wasn’t it me, just 14 days ago, that wrote a blog about how fabulous women are...and how they don’t respect their own wonderfulness? Didn’t I say that it was unbelievable that these exciting women in my speaking club, who shared their life stories of overcoming addiction, mothering 6 children, starting a new business, and moving to a new country, considered themselves uninteresting, and thought they had nothing of value to share?  Yet, here I was, in my mind, doing the same thing.  Well, shoot...again!

Part of correcting your perceptions of yourself, and the negative chatter that is going on in your head, is being aware of the noise.  Much like a mother immune to the nagging “Mom...Mom...Mom” of her persistent toddler waging a war for a forbidden toy, we get used to the litany of negative messages playing ‘Your not good enough’ in our own head.  It becomes background noise that we turn down, function around, and basically try to ignore.  It is only when we take the time to stop dead in our tracks and really listen to the message (regardless of how often we think we have heard it) that we can acknowledge it for the foolishness that it is.  

So, what did I do?  I took my own advice.  I stopped my walk. listened to the flawed message in my head, and said ‘Thank you for your opinion. BUT, I have to disagree with you.  I have done wonderful and interesting things.  I have a story that women will want to hear, not because I climbed great heights or crossed the desert with no water.  They will want to hear my story because I am a woman. And, women like stories about the lives of other women.  Just like I do.’

Step #2 Make a list to keep expectations in check.

Step 2  to Simplify Any Holiday

3 - 4 weeks before an upcoming holiday make a list of all the things (baking, shopping, preparations) you think need to be done.  Creating a list provides:

1) A visual accounting of your expectations of yourself
2) The opportunity to schedule activities in your calendar, preventing surprises and unexpected demands on time.
3) The opportunity to prioritize activities, and remove activities with a low priority when pressed for time

7 days to simplify any holiday...is it possible?  Stay tuned.

Step #1 To Simplify Any Holiday

Step 1 of 7 Tips to Simplify Any Holiday

Change requires a well thought out plan, broken down into manageable steps.  Start each holiday with the following:

1. Make a bold commitment to yourself that you are ready to create joyful, stress free holidays. Write 3 specific positive outcomes you desire, for example:

1. I will be satisfied with my efforts.
2. I will be calm throughout the preparation for this holiday
3. I will have time for everything on my to-do list.

Now, your turn.  Remember, setting your intention is the first step to making change.

Come back tomorrow for the much anticipated Step 2

A Holiday Tip of The Day Blog is Born

Hearing people's distress over the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Valentine's Day, is always upsetting to me.  Holidays are supposed to be joyous times filled with celebration, love, and fun. 

Kiss, My New Holiday Mantra

Every year, right around Thanksgiving we start talking about putting up our Christmas decorations and tree, a much anticipated, joyous event.  But last year, something was very different.  As my husband excitedly talked about getting out the holiday boxes I had an anxious, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, resembling something like dread. 

The Beautiful Voice of a Woman

Women amaze me.  Categorically, we are the champions when it comes to downplaying our intelligence, capabilities, and worth.  Plagued by the job title ‘Juggler Extraordinaire’, we take little credit for the many lives we hold in our hands, all to frequently saying “This is what everyone does.  It’s no big deal.”  But, it is a big deal. You are a big deal. 

Dear Dad....

I am shaking.  The final ‘Dear Dad’ letter has been drafted and sent.  I feel the fear of a child that something terrible is going to happen.  The adult in me knows that he holds no power over me.  But, still I shake.  I cannot help the visceral, psychological programming of my youth.  I am afraid.

Patience Leads To Self Discovery

Letters, letters, letters.  How many versions of my ‘Dear Dad’ letter have I written?  I think I’m up to 10, maybe more.  It is really interesting the role all of these letters have played.  I have written them while crying, while shouting to be free. I have written them in outrage and anger. I have written them from my perspective as a child, an adult, a daughter, the abused.  I have hand-written, typed, blogged, shared, posted, and mailed them to myself.  And with each telling, each outpouring, I have gained clarity, confidence and calm.  I have learned to trust my judgement, love myself, forgive, and forget. 

Growing Pains : My Continuing Journey

Growing Pains

It has been 8 weeks since I declared ‘enough’ in my mind. I thought I would feel freer, somehow. I admit, a unique sort of stillness has inhabited my heart and spirit, a soothing balm to my weary self. ‘Enough’ I said. ‘I will not be treated this way 1 more time.

To The Victor Go The Spoils

Extricating yourself from an abusive relationship is an amazingly empowering undertaking, provided it doesn’t suck the life out of you in the process.  It takes a tremendous amount of bravery, and tenacity to capture every inch of freedom. 

An Affirmation of Power and Change

An Affirmation of Power and Change:
I am willing to release those behaviors that hold me back.
I move beyond the limitations placed on me by others.
All my emotions are acceptable, they are my power source.
I give myself permission to be all that I was meant to be.
I am a bold, powerful woman of change.

No Need To Go It Alone

A very dear friend of mine recently told me that, after 2 weeks of waiting on pins and needles she found out she didn’t have cancer, or another equally devastating diagnosis. “I didn’t really tell anyone.” She confided. “I almost didn’t tell my husband.”

The Dragon Slipped Past Me : My Journey Continues

Life continues to challenge us.  We find a hurdle in our path.  We try going around it, over it, under it.  Then, around it again.  One day, all of our efforts pay off and we say ‘phew! I made it.  I’m glad that’s behind me.’ 

Freedom Comes To An Open Heart

So much has been written about abuse it’s a wonder there is anything left to be said.  Yet, as each victim frees themselves from the bonds that have held them captive, their story needs to be told. 

Change : It Can Start With A Pillow

There’s a Chinese proverb that says ‘If you want to encourage change in your life move 27 things in your house.’  I wonder... 

Do Yourself A Favor

We come into this world perfect.  Everything about us is exactly as it is supposed to be.  Our creativity, athleticism, expressiveness, empathy, activity level, all these things are hardwired into us to provide us with the boost we need to be our very best selves.

A Message of Balance

It seems to me, that in our zest for life, we over do almost everything. I don’t know if this is an Americans phenomenon, or the way all human beings are wired. 

Purpose: The Magic Compass

Today I am struck by the word Purpose and the power is holds.  Many of us drift through life, or stages of life, going through the motions, marriage, kids, career. 

Chasing Diamonds and Dreams

I’m at this funny point in my life, perched on the very pinnacle between this world and that, my life before and my life to come .  I am a rare women, as I am happily married to the same man for 32 years. 

The Precious Ones

Every day, in this world, Precious Ones are born.  They are beautiful children of the heart, born with the capacity to experience true pain and suffering merely by seeing it in another’s eyes, the slope of another’s shoulders, the lumber in another’s walk.  They come into this world looking like every other child.  But, their heart is different, somehow. Their compassion and empathy for those that are suffering knows no bounds.

My Grandma’s Story: A Regular Woman of Inspiration

My grandmother, Mary, came to this country, alone, at age 13.  She was sent here to escape the Russian occupation of Czechoslovakia.  I guess it’s what they did back then.  But, it has always boggled my mind. 

The Grinch, Neverland, and Bold, Bodacious Me

While pondering another thought provoking question this morning, which revisited the tired subject of nature vs. nurture,  I was drawn once again to look at the turmoil created for women by the mishmash known as the 60’s. 

What Would You Want From The Wizard of OZ?

I was recently asked the question “If you were with Dorothy and her gang, what would you want from the Wizard of OZ?”  My immediate thought was, to be ‘normal’.  To be just like everybody else.  But, this is knee jerk response, the wish I have been making for most of my life

It’s Time to Celebrate Me

As women, we feel we have to be accessible to our loved ones 24/7.  Like a minuteman of the American Revolution, we are poised and ready to fix, find, take, make, or do whatever is needed to resolve any crisis, big or small. 

The Lesson I Have Learned...Again

It’s funny.  You do all this soul searching, heart wrenching work on yourself until you get to a point that you think ‘Phew!  I’m done.  I am finally comfortable in my own skin.  I can go through my day without berating myself at every turn.  I’m OK with me.’

The Voice of a Child

I was not respected as a child.  That’s not unusual.  Most of us were not.  Like many kids, I felt my needs and desires, in most arenas of my life, were an insignificant blip on a map of the adults in my world.  Sometimes seen, rarely worth acknowledging.  

The Power of One Word

Words are so powerful.  I guess that’s nothing new.  What’s interesting is that words that you have heard all your life suddenly take on new meaning, or become of great importance, at a pivotal point in your life.

In Search of My Voice

One of my most challenging hurdles to overcome has been clearly and calmly stating my intentions and desires.  It’s the most difficult with my husband, a kind, gentle, loving man who adores me.  But, a man just the same.  Going ‘against’ him ( the way my brain chooses to describe it, not my heart) continues to scare me even after 32 years of marriage.  

One Woman’s Affirmation

Among all the things that I have disliked about myself over the years, one of the most challenging to deal with, has to be that I have never liked that I was a woman. 

Break Out The Hula-Hoop, It’s Time To Be Happy!

Did you ever notice that as very young children, we live in the moment, eagerly, almost ravenously, expanding our knowledge of the world and all it has to offer.  We see something pretty or shiny, our brain says ‘touch it’.  We feel something nubby, or slick and our brain says ‘taste it’.  We are confidently impulsive, boldly trying any new thing that comes into our path. 

A Wise Woman Warrior

It’s recently become very obvious that I have been catapulted into a new phase of life. I believe, in years past, it would have been called the Crone phase.  But, I just can’t embrace that term.  However, today I heard the same phase of life referred to as the Wise Woman Years.  Under that label I blossomed.

Thank You For Your Opinion, Now Please Be Quiet!

What is it that tells us we can’t? Is it a collection of all the rejections we’ve received in the past?  Or, is it a constant feed loop of all of our own disappointments?  I figure, for most of us, it’s probably a little bit of both. 

Oops! Forgot Someone

Wired from the planning of a women’s event yesterday, and trying to refocus on a second event and subsequent party I’m hosting tonight, I find I am in battle mode, an uncomfortable mix of prepared and last minute run-throughs of strategy, and plans. 

Women By My Side

It seems that all of my life I have been searching for a place to fit in.  To belong.  I’m not saying I haven’t had friends.  I have, and some were really great ones.  But, the need was always bigger than onesy-s and twosy-s.   I realize now, what I wanted was a community. 

Today I Honor The Little Girl

While going through some old photographs of me as a girl, like most in this situation I was transported back in time, a short biography of myself being played out as I turned the pages.  Me, grade 5, wearing that funky brown dress with the daisies and cloth covered button. (Itchy and stiff)  Me, age 13, with groovy green and orange plaid, bell-bottom, low slung, hip hugger pant.  (They were so cool)  Me, posing with my date, for the prom.  Weird dress. (I made that dress, and attempted to make one like it for my friend.  Mom had to rescue me from that disaster.)

Forget you. I’m Wonder Woman!

I was feeling a little ‘snack-y’ tonight, a chronic problem for me lately, and decided to share a bag of popcorn with Mr. Reddenbacher.  Mouth watering, as I imagined the salty, buttery taste soon to assail my pie-hole, I was delighted to see that not only was I going to have a party in my mouth in 2.5 minutes, but I also had the chance to win big prizes in the Orville Reddenbacher’s Pop and Win Instant Game Contest.  Hooray!  Could the night get any better?

The Circle of Life : A Day Unlike Any Other

Yesterday started like any other day.  Got up. Brushed my teeth.  Stepped on the scale. Wished I weighed 8 pounds less than I do.  Off to breakfast.  

I decided to journal for a few minutes before breakfast, a new habit I’m supposed to be adopting because it is supposed to create clarity, and blah, blah, blah.  

Today I Cherish My Empathic Self

For most of my 53 years I have viewed my overly empathetic nature as a bit of a curse.  I have gone through life feeling the pain and agony of those around me as though it were my own. 

If You Were A Ball Of Clay

We start out in life like a ball of clay, ready to be shaped into something.  And, not just any old thing.  But, something fabulous.  And then, the forces of life, of nature, and especially other human beings push and pull us this way and that, like a new batch of salt water taffy.

The Damned Personal Growth Fairy Strikes Again

This weekend the Personal Growth Fairy flew over and konked me on the head with her damned fairy stick.  She always catches me by surprise, because I think I’m so over my ‘stuff’.   But, noooo. 

Women Of Our Generation : Our Journey

I’m going to ask you to take an adventure with me, back to a time when you were a confident, carefree little girl, and the world was your oyster.  Back to a time that you were being active, having an adventure, just having fun and you heard the phrase “little girls don’t do that!”