Apparently, I’m a newborn to this whole Women’s Revolution thing. I continue to be totally unprepared for the extent to which I have followed the path of the age old ‘typical female’. I readily admit to being overwhelmed by the situation I currently find myself in. I’m angry with myself, and wish I could place blame on someone else's shoulders. However, the reality is, I hold all the responsibility for my current mental state. I must own that I alone gave over my power and learn from the experience.
It all started this weekend with an offhanded question to my husband about retirement, which we have only briefly discussed in the past. We’ve spend weekends at the beach, or on a lake and pondered the value of making it the landing pad for our Golden Years. We’ve talked of travel, and how much we will play...there’s always lots of discussion about where and how much we will play, the good times, free of responsibility and the 9-5 grind. Unfortunately, what I failed to realized until this weekend is that we have never (NEVER) discussed the most important part of retirement. The money.
I don’t know how we wandered into this particular subject this go-round. But, we did. That’s when it hit me, the extent to which I have been trained to give my power over to a man. I’m suddenly appalled at how passive I have been, and irresponsible in failing to understand my financial future and security. Much like the women of 100’s of generations before me I have allowed this to be The Husband’s domain. I have never asked, pushed, challenged or, even more shocking, wondered what our, actually my financial retirement was going to look like. I have trusted that my husband was handling it all, in our best interest and with the mastery of a financial wizard.
To set the record straight, as usual, my husband has been diligent, responsible and caring in handling this particular area of our life. But, what if he hadn’t been? What if he was putting less aside than we needed because he wanted to enjoy the here and now more? What if he died tomorrow? I’m overwhelmed with the number of ‘what if’s’ running through my brain, and the peril I placed myself in.
Equally important to note, and where I was lulled into complacency, is that for most of our married life I have been the one to create the budget and pay the bills. I fooled myself into thinking I was involved enough in our money matters, assuring myself that I wasn’t one of those women of the 1950’s who’s husband died, or divorced them and the couldn't even balance a checkbook. I was involved. I was aware. I was a goof!
Once again I’m not The Modern Woman I thought I was. I’m June Cleaver. Good grief!
At 54, I feel as though I have had the rug pulled out from under me, so trusting and ready to turn over my power, safety and security to a man, a good man that I love dearly, but a man just the same. I am angry with myself for blindly following this time honored tradition when I knew better. How challenging it is to dig yourself out of a dependency you don’t even know exists, one that has been scripted for woman for as long as we have been on this planet. It unsettles me knowing that this complacency was there all along and I couldn’t see it, couldn’t realize the hole in my awareness, the hazard I could have been creating for myself.
The good news is I know now. We’ve had 2 follow up conversations since then, more than we have had in the last 10 years. I went out and bought a book about financing your retirement, one that I can easily read and understand, so that I can ask intelligent questions of my husband, an advisor, or google. Fortunately, I put my faith in a very honorable and reliable man. I’ll forgo chastising myself further for my blindness, instead patting myself on the back for having good judgement in the person I chose to trust with my future. And, the next time I’m inclined to think “oh, Brad’s taking care of that” I’ll stop and ask myself how it affects me, my life, my future and happiness and act accordingly, like a responsible, empowered, self sufficient woman should behave.
What are you doing as a women to secure your financial future security? Please share your tips so that other women may benefit from your experience.
The book I got is called The AARP Retirement Survival Guide by Julie Jason
Hi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI believe you are my twin and we were separated at birth. !!. I actually have chills, because you describe in this post the exact same thing I did when I first got married -- I blindly trusted my husband to handle the finances for no other reason than, well, he was the man. And you describe the exact same things I've been telling myself for the past year or so: "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!? How could I have possibly been so blind, so ignorant, so ... June Cleaverish? So much like -- MY MOTHER!?!?"
I don't mean to say that you were ignorant and June Cleaverish, because believe me, compared to my situation you are very wise and very ... Murphy Brown-ish (I am dating myself here -- but you know what I mean ... you're independent, smart, and have more good judgment than you realize).
I mean, at least you chose to blindly follow someone with a good head on his shoulders when it comes to finance. Me -- not so much. This is very embarrassing to admit, but here goes ... when my husband and I were first married 16 years ago, I noticed that we received a second electric bill in the mail -- he never paid the first one! I was horrified, afraid our power would be shut off the next minute. When I said, "Oh my gosh, we didn't pay the electic bill last month?!?" my husband casually replied, "Oh, that's not big deal."
Yeah, that was one big bright red flag there. And what did I do? I let it fly. I had no idea it was possible to not pay a bill on time, and not get in trouble (aside from paying extra fees, which apparently didn't bother my husband any, so why should it bother me? I told my June Cleaver self).
From there it was one red flag after the other, and I continued to believe that whatever he did with our finances must be right because ... well, he's the man.
UGH!! A few years ago I realized how incredibly RIDICULOUS and SAD and STUPID that was of me, to trust someone when they were totally irresponsible; to just go along with their immature behavior and even adopt their skewed view of financial management. By that time, I had become irresponsible with money as well. "If he can do it, it must be okay," I'd tell myself. "He's the man. He KNOWS finances. So, I can do it too!"
I tried to take over the finances then -- to write down every penny we spent, try to keep track of the checking account, etc. But I could not pin him down to give me his receipts or at least an estimate of what he spent that day. It was impossible. I eventually gave up. I wanted to pay bills the day they arrived in the mail, but our finances had come to the point where we didn't have enough money in the account to pay bills as they came in. We had to pick and choose which bill to pay -- which one was threatening to shut off our electric, our water, our cable, etc.
Needless to say, today we are in dire straits. I can't work due to illness. My husband got fired from a new job at the end of May. He has not sent out one resume. We have two young daughters and not a penny in the bank.
I know I rambled on a lot here, and it is probably WAY too much info. But I can't bear to go back and edit it -- the whole thing makes me feel so awful.
But the one light I hope to shed here is this -- you did good. You do have good judgement, you are wise, you are a "power woman" of today! You trusted someone who COULD be trusted. You deserve to give yourself many many pats on your back. I am happy for you, and so glad that you are able to make a new start. It is a comfort to me, to see that :-).
As always, my deepest thanks to you for sharing your courageous heart.
maureen
Maureen, I sense great strength and courage in your words. Your compass may have been off for a while but it pulses strong now.
DeleteI so appreciate you honesty and sharing. I know, much like my story, it will help other women to stop and think about their future and empower themselves to be aware, informed and mindful.
I wish you nothing but good fortune and continued courage as you move forward in your life (as I know you will) to better times.
Lisa