Life continues to challenge us. We find a hurdle in our path. We try going around it, over it, under it. Then, around it again. One day, all of our efforts pay off and we say ‘phew! I made it. I’m glad that’s behind me.’
Until it comes around again.
Until it comes around again.
The next time it has a slightly different face, a slightly different feel, not as challenging, not as uncomfortable. We think ‘hmmm. Could this be that old thing that I chopped up, chewed up and spit out a short while ago? How can this be?’
But it is. It’s that same junk dressed up in a different costume, with a funky hat and goofy shoes. Don’t be fooled. Don’t turn a blind eye. Each time it arises it will show a new face, a new side of the same ugly, old thing. It will try to suck you back into the black hole, where all evil hides. If you see it, face it, boldly own it, and it will provide you a new opportunities for growth and healing.
In my case, it’s dealing with my abusive father. I truly believed I had finally ‘arrived’. I had faced the beast, stood my ground, held my own, and came away without anger or pain. And, I was a stronger, bolder woman for it.
Then, due to my Mom’s failing health he slipped back in. Worming his way through siblings and sorrow. Disguising his abuse and controlling nature as devotion for my Mom, carefully selecting which sibling would be allowed information, and how it was to be dispensed. Like a viper in the weeds, he sees all, knows his prey and knows how to strike with the utmost devastation.
And so, it started all over again. The self doubt, the questions of self worth, fear and anxiety. Sleepless nights and tear filled days consoling a sister and brothers, rehashing old wounds and challenging the boundaries between guilt and common decency. Once again, I am sucked in because it was disguised by my mother’s failing health, and my father’s fear of losing her.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I see the abuse. I feel the manipulation and control. I taste the insecurity rising up from my stomach that churns with indecision and fear of his anger. Once again, I say ‘No More!’ Once again, I have discovered the ugly beast of abuse, hidden under a veil of fear and sorrow, and there still is no excuse for it. It is as wrong today as it was 20 years ago, and 50 years ago. My guard was down, my heart was open. Silly me. This dragon still lives. I should not have put down my shield. Too trusting...I will learn. Each time it shows it’s ugly head I will be smarter, wiser...trickier. Ultimately, I will win. I will win.
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