Today I Cherish My Empathic Self

For most of my 53 years I have viewed my overly empathetic nature as a bit of a curse.  I have gone through life feeling the pain and agony of those around me as though it were my own. 

I was picked on in grade school because I was an easy target.  ‘They’ said and did mean things.  I reacted.  I was not blessed with the ability to hide my hurt.  And, I remember being totally confused as to why anyone would want to make someone else feel that way.

My mother’s answer, and she was genuinely trying to help, was to tell me they were jealous.  A nice thought, but not a very useful tool for a child. 

And so I would ‘bleed’.  Poor Mary Dooling (4th grade)...my heart ached for her, an unfortunate little girl who was picked on, mercilessly.  I would bleed for those that were lonely, sad, hungry, homeless, and abused.

My mother recently recalled to me that I sobbed throughout the TV showing of the JFK funeral. I was 5.  Other than turning it off, she really didn’t know what to do to help me cope.  I believe she was confused by the depth of my reaction. 

Due to my inability to cope, it got worse as I got older.   It seemed as though images, impressions, experiences began to pile up in my head and heart.  I began to view myself (and describe myself) as a gaping walking wound, life around me like a salt shaker, renewing the pain of an open cut.

I grew to hate my empathy.  Why did I have to feel so much, all the time?  When would the pain go away?  When would the wound heal so that I could just be me, observing the world, living my life but not embodying the pain of every living soul on earth?

But, today, as a woman of 53 (having had a million hours of acupuncture to allow the wounds to heal),  I surprised myself while journaling this morning and wrote “My empathy is a gift.  My empathy is a gift.”

I am now at a place that I love my empathetic self.  I can see the pain of others, feel it, acknowledge it for what it is.  I can hold thoughts of peace, healing and kindness for those individuals in my heart, feel it to my very soul...and then let it go.  For it is not my journey.  It is theirs.  And, it’s ok.

My empathy is a gift.  It makes me feel alive, a part of this enormous life that is going on around me.  

I am at peace, now.