In The Service of Others : Who Really Needs the Care?

I recently read a facebook post by a woman encouraging women to be loving and tolerant in the service of others, an admirable reminder in these hectic times when women are attempting to balance all the demands on their lives.  But, I don’t wonder if we aren’t doing the women themselves the disservice.  It is my experience that women spend the majority of their time in the service of others.  We are taught (and possibly biologically wired) at a very young age to be the nurturers, the care givers, the comfort providers.  

It appears to me that it is only when women have given so much of themselves, and nothing remains of their own inner fabric, that their behavior moves to a point that they need to be reminded  to be tolerant and loving.  

Take my own life...or that of my mother ( who followed this same pattern...).  When my husband and I were first married I couldn’t do enough for the man, packed his lunches, washed all the clothes.  It was essential (to me) that when he came home from work I looked pretty, the house was clean and my sons were cheerful, filled with delight to see their daddy.  

As time went on, our boys grew up and the demands of motherhood, homeschooling and marriage continued to escalate. The community I felt I had to ‘care’ for had extended to friends and their children, new mom’s, new homeschoolers, and more.  I was a veritable queen of loving, tolerant care.

The issue is...how long can one person exist giving 120% every day to everyone else without becoming burned out, without losing all sense of self, sacrificing all forms of self care.  About 15 years, in my case.  Then I started to crash.  I started becoming resentful.  I still spent a great deal of time in the service of others...but the loving, tolerant part???  Not so much.  And, rightfully so.  

I believe that instead of arbitrarily reminding women to be loving and tolerant in the service of others, we need to be equally vigilant in encouraging them to be loving and tolerant in the service of themselves.  To give them permission to take care of themselves first, without feeling guilty or selfish.  We need to be reminded that we are not a bad person if a friend calls and needs our help and we need to say ‘No’, because we haven’t slept, or the baby’s been sick, or we’ve had a really difficult week at work.  It’s OK to say ‘I’m sorry, I just can’t help this time.‘  

Should we choose to tend to ourselves, lessen our own loads, lower our expectations of what we can really accomplish, we won’t be overextended.  We won’t feel resentful.  We won’t experience those angry feelings that bubble up when our daughter, husband, co-worker ask for help, and we do lend a hand, but we feel put-out.  Because, we are well cared for.  There won’t be the need to be reminded to be loving and tolerant.  It will come naturally.  We are a loving, giving being by nature.

So, like the FB author I too encourage you to act in loving, tolerant service...but I give you permission to serve yourself first.  I ask you to give yourself permission to say ‘No, I’m sorry.  I can’t do that for you right now.’  without feeling selfish and unkind.  Come to your own rescue, see to your mental, emotional and physical well being.  Your generous heart will shine through naturally.  Trust me.

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Please feel free to comment below.  Are you addicted to caring for others, unsure of how to break away from the practice without feeling resentful?  Do you criticize yourself if you don’t step up to help out a friend, a child or a spouse?  Sharing your thoughts may help you and others to break this chain.