How many times have you heard “Gee, you did a nice job.” And, you’ve replied back “It was nothing. Any one could have done it. No big deal.” Or, ‘Thanks. But, ...was perfect, and ...wasn’t really right.’
You might not have heard that exact compliment, or uttered that exact response. The point is that someone said something nice to you and instead of saying ‘Thank you’ and reveling in the praise, you play’d it down, or denied it’s validity. You failed to accept the gift of a compliment either because you felt you weren’t worthy, you felt what you did wasn’t that special, or you feared appearing vain.
I have always had very high expectations of myself. If something wasn’t perfect, I believed I was a failure. In my mind, to do something well, or even great wasn’t praise worthy. It was the baseline. Occasionally, I’d host an event, teach a class, or create something that was 120% She-bang - Fantasmo!! and still I’d have that feeling of ‘big deal’. Because, in my warped sense of accomplishments and expectations, this level of excellence should be the norm.
Consequently, I never really knew what to do with a compliment. I couldn’t say “thank you.”. That would be accepting false praise, a reward for something I didn’t do.
I know many woman who suffer this same malady. Some are like me, they devalue their worth; or, they were taught that being pleased with yourself was a sign of vanity...a hideous disease, to be avoided like the plague. For this unfortunate soul, saying ‘thank you’ is equally challenging because the very act of the response acknowledges your accomplishment, your gift or talent, thus appearing ‘stuck up’ or prideful. Just saying 'Thank you' does not demonstrate conceit. It is a response that follows a nicety, something you say when offered a gift. It should be offered freely and without guilt.
Instead of all this dancing around, I would love for women to just say ‘thanks’. Nothing more. Just ‘thanks’. I know how I feel when I compliment someone and it’s not accepted. I feel as though I have been tragically changed back into a 3 year old battling with another 3 year old for who knows what...
“You are wonderful”
“No, I’m not”
“..Are too.”
“Am not.”
“ARE TOO!”
“AM NOT!”
...what's the point?
Having tired of this interplay with others, I’ve made a vow for myself. Even when I might not feel worthy, even though I may sound vain, I’m going to force myself to just say ‘Thank you’. Then, I’m going to remember that their compliment is a gift. It is given out of love; that a person is taking the time to tell me that I’m wonderful, capable, creative, kind, pretty, generous or smart. They are telling me point blank “this is what I see in you. And, it's good”. I am going to hear their praise, embrace the kindness with which it was shared, and allow myself to see what they see...a person worth complimenting.
I know, from recent experience, that if I adopt this practice 2 things will happen. First, instead of spending time composing all the things I need to tell people I did wrong, I will hear the compliment. I will hear it, and that will allow me to embrace it. Ultimately, this will allow me to believe it...which is the desired end result. Second, refusing to say anything more than ‘thank you’ I will break the habit of needing to explain, ad nauseam, all the things I did wrong, screwed up, or forgot, which no one wants to hear. I will end the battle of the 3 year olds. I already have experienced the relief of this practice. The dead air is uncomfortable at first and the silence seems to go on forever. But, in fact, I realized it’s not dead air. It’s the sound of the universe breathing a sigh of relief that I finally ‘heard it’, and just said 'Thank You'.
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