The Unknowing Enemy Within

It is a day of remembering lessons, and courage.  As I continue to struggle with redefining my relationship with my verbally and emotionally abusive father, to create a space for myself that is safe, attempting to build a new relationship or, at the very least, an understanding between us that is mutually beneficial, I find I continue to be challenged, and am fascinated by where the threat comes from, and the turmoil it presents.

As background information for you, the reader, in November I decided to limit communication with my father to letter writing.  It is safe for me, as he can’t immediately respond in my ear.  It offers the proverbial ‘Olive Branch’, I am still in communication - I have not severed the relationship entirely.  In a letter outlining ways we could forge a new relationship, phone conversations were off limits.  Knowing my wishes would not be respected, the 1 protection that I put into place, to safeguard myself, was to block his number through the phone company.  

The phone end up being the source of my new challenge.  But, not in the way one would think.  Although I have written at least 1 long letter per week, I have received none in response.  However, when something big in my letter gets his attention he immediately tries to call.  When he can’t get through he contacts one or 2 of my siblings and tells them of his frustration in not being able o reach me.  ‘What is wrong with her phone?’ he asks them.  To protect his feelings and remain neutral, they lie.  I never intended for them to be caught in the middle.  In fact, I have done all that I can to prevent it.  This is the first of the challenges that has presented itself.  Can I get them out of the middle?  And if so, how?

This use of my siblings is causing me angst.  I recognize that each family member views their familial situation from their own perspective.  They experienced their childhood within the context of their experiences, their personality, their coping process and their mind.  They frequently, and naturally, define the overall family dynamic from this perspective.  The outcome in an abusive situation?  Some children feel more abused than others.  Some family members feel ‘It wasn’t that bad.’  Some go as far as to buy into the abusers viewpoint, that you are at fault.

For those that feel the suffering more acutely this disconnect increases the struggle when trying to separate from the abuser.  It heightens their sensitivity.  As an abused, your abuser already has very effectively taught you that your behavior is the source of the problem.  You are overreacting.  If only you would change your behavior the relationship would be easier and better for the both of you. 

Those family members of the ‘it wasn’t that bad’ mindset will add to the abusers message in their own way, fueling the fire the abuser has created, forming a ‘we vs. them’ environment. They become the unknowing enemy within.  ‘We think it’s not that bad.’  ‘We think you ought to get over it.’  In my case, ‘Dad’s not going to change.  He can’t.  He doesn’t understand your request.’  The abuser is defended for 100 different reasons that don’t make sense.  It is all part of the programming.  It is all part of the script the abuser relies on.  

Although I have defined my boundaries, explained them rationally, calmly and reasonably.  They did not protect me. He is still reaching me, still toying with my head and my heart. Even though I have blocked his phone he has used those I love, he has rallied his troops against me.  They are pawns in his game, unsuspecting and unbelieving.  It is them against me without them even knowing. 

Every time my father tries to reach out and ‘grab’ me through my siblings I go through the mental struggle and questioning one more time.  ‘Am I being unreasonable?’ Or, in my case ‘Does he really not understand the boundaries I have requested be put in place?‘  ‘Is my behavior the problem?’  

The answer is a resounding NO!  I am so damn tired of thinking, or being told I’m the problem.  I’m exhausted from the mental anguish I have lived with trying to make this man happy.  I’m worn out trying to dodge the bullets of unreasonable, irrational behavior and responses, navigating the minefield of his anger.  He had 53 years to get it right.  I gave him my heart.  I gave him the very best of me and he threw it away.  He didn’t respect my boundaries then.  He continues to ignore them now.

I have not been mean in setting my boundaries.  I am not unreasonable in sticking to them.  He does not misunderstand.  And, I guess, even if he does...it doesn’t matter.  My struggle with my sibling will continue.  It is the test of my conviction to finally protect myself.  We are all on our own paths.  We all got the same map, but the routes we are following are different.  I get their perspective.  But, their perspective doesn’t protect me.  And that is what has to come first.  

The lesson continues to be the same.  I just thought once I was brave enough to make The Big Commitment to stand up for me the rest would be easier.  That once I had laid down the rules, the lines would be clear and the threat neutralized.  What I have learned instead, is that much like a toddler having a tantrum, this man will continue to stamp his feet and hold his breath because it has worked for 53 years with me.  It is a lesson in perseverance for me...about me.  To stick to what I know, in my heart, is right for me.  It does not matter what is best for others, how others perceive my situation and believe I should act.  I matter.  My heart matters.  Right, wrong or indifferent this is the path I have chosen.  I will continue to follow my heart as I know it is my true compass.  It will not lead me astray. 

I continue to chronicle my experiences because I want those in similar situations to know that there are so many unforeseen potholes on the road to liberation.  Those you think should rally behind you may not...because their perspective is different.  They are part of the abusers cast of characters.  But, you must, MUST hold fast to your convictions.  You must not give in to the nay-sayers, or even hold it against them; their experience and view is different from yours.  Your view is the ONLY one that matters.  If you own it, and own the consequences of your actions, you will not fail.  You will not regret it.