A Message of Balance

It seems to me, that in our zest for life, we over do almost everything. I don’t know if this is an Americans phenomenon, or the way all human beings are wired. 
We are passionate creatures, supporting our cause to an extreme degree, boldly, blindly following our zeal, getting so focused on our specific point we frequently miss the big picture.  I see this even when it comes to women’s issues.  

If you look at the 50’s and 60’s, the Women’s Rights Movement caused lines to be drawn within our own ranks.  The passionately traditional, staunchly supported the stay-at-home moms, while the ‘women’s libbers’ preached that you couldn’t be fulfilled unless you totally abandoned hearth and home and went off to have a career.  It’s sad that such tremendous animosity arose over such a personal issue. When, in reality, neither side was ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.  The argument really was, and should have been, about choice.

Before the 50’s it was just assumed (I hate that word), assumed that women would stay home, have kids, and be gloriously fulfilled in the service of others.  What the Women’s Rights Movement embodied was choice.  Women should be allowed to choose to stay home, allowed to choose to go to work, or allowed to choose to do a combination of both.  The assumption that all women wanted to stay home was wrong, not the fact that a women might choose to ‘stay at home’.

I recently had this same thought process in regards to a blog about young girls.  Written by a women who has devoted her life to empowering young girls and women, the blog focused on the negative impact of media on young girls ( and women ) with its continued focus on physical ‘perfection‘.  She highlighted the devastating effect it has had, causing depression, eating disorders, cosmetic surgery and even suicide.  This is a truly important issue and warrants all the public support we can muster.

Had the article ended there I would have been on board 100 percent.  Where do I sign up?  Who do I call?  But, like so many of us, the writer let her passion for the issue cloud her sense of balance and good judgement.  

The article focused around her relationship with a friend’s daughter, and her mission to never (never ) compliment this little girl on her looks, her outfit, new shoes, pretty hair, etc., all in an effort to instill in her a feeling that she was more than a ‘pretty face.’  In this pursuit, she claims to maneuver their conversations to cover favorite books, school projects, science, etc., veering away from any talk of nail polish and hair cuts.

While I applaud the effort to raise social awareness of this pressing issue that is causing too many of our young girls to suffer, and her desire to empower this little girl to realize she has a mind, I can’t help but feel she has lost the essential element of her own campaign.  The core of the message is that women (all ages, sizes, and shapes) are more than a pretty face, not that we don’t have a face! 

As human beings, we are all different. Some of us are tall, some short.  Some of us like chocolate, others don’t.  Some little girls want to look pretty, some little boys handsome.  Some don’t. In all of these cases it isn’t the only thing they like.  It is just one small part of their whole being.  You can be tall, like chocolate, and want to look good all at the same time.

Much like the stay-at-home vs. working woman argument, it really isn’t an ‘either...or’ choice.  Instead of adopting a zero tolerance policy, how about we work toward balance on this issue.  If you were to say ‘Gee, your dress is pretty.  Tell me about the book you’re reading.‘ you have not overstated the importance of looks.  You have imposed no value. It doesn’t imply that either looks or intelligence are more desired.  Moreover, it acknowledges several areas of the child’s psyche. And, most importantly, by offering feedback and support to all facets of their lives we teach our daughters, and sons, the value of balance across the board.  

It is a mistake to think that if we compliment our daughter’s looks we are devaluing their intelligence.  We just aren’t focusing on their mind, at that moment.  If we choose to only compliment their intellectual prowess we have just tipped the scales, too heavily, the other way.  This lopsided thinking only creates another imbalance. It doesn’t remove the ‘perfect image’ dilemma, or end social oppression.  It simply creates another psychological black hole.

Instead, let’s all support a bigger, better world for all of our children, where we are not hopping between one extreme or the other, looks vs. intelligence.   Let’s honor and embrace our children as  whole human beings.  Let’s teach a life of tolerance, and balance.