Breaking the Approval-Loop : Taking the Real Me for a Test Drive

Expectation and approval, possibly, two of the most disruptive of human mental ‘states’ we possess.  They continue to confound me both personally and societally.  Even when collecting my thoughts for a way in which to describe them I wrestled with the impact, effect and power they hold over our being, both mental and emotional.

Today I was struck by a feeling of new-found freedom, that was driven by an equally new-found lack of expectation, in my lifelong pursuit of approval from a parent.  Recently, I chose, for my emotional self-preservation, to cut off verbal (voice) communication with my father.  It was done respectfully.  I’m sure it was as painful for him as it was for me.  My request for blocking phone conversations came with a caveat. (in this case, an olive branch of sorts)  I offered that I was willing to receive letters from him, and would write, thus providing us an alternative venue in which to forge a new relationship based on respect, and the honoring of my feelings and opinions, as well as his.

Since launching this new Campaign For A Happier Me little over a month ago I have written countless times.  Although all letters are headed ‘Dear Mom’ I know he is reading them because my mother has dementia, and he has to read them to her.  No new letters have come back addressed to me, and that’s fine.  Here’s where enlightenment struck.  This morning, I realized the freedom this has allowed me.  I write from my heart about what I’m doing, what is going on in my life, and the like.  However, unlike when I used to talk to him, I do not censure my thoughts, feelings and desires because, with this situation I have released a large part of my need for acceptance and approval.  I don’t hide how excited I am, how proud I am, how pleased I am, because no disapproval awaits me. My letters have ended up being somewhat like a diary entry.  It is incredibly freeing.  

It makes me think that maybe this new expression will allow him to see me in a different light, because I am empowered.  I am being me ‘in front’ of him for the first time in my life.  I’m not expressing false hope or unattainable expectations.  I’m not holding onto the dream that he will change.  It just occurs to me that a situation has presented itself for both of us to see each other differently....and maybe that will change our relationship and his ability to communicate respectively.

Another thought occurred, even while writing this (one of the reasons I love writing).  Maybe, with the passage of the last month, it is time for me to start writing letters addressed directly to him.  I have to proceed with the knowledge that these will also probably go unanswered.  Somehow, it really doesn’t matter.  What matters is that for the first time in my life, whether he reads them or not, I am ‘talking to’ my Dad as me, the true me, the un-fearful me, the un-threatened me, the me that is not weighing every thought and feeling trying to navigate safe and unsafe topics of discussion.

Don’t be fooled by these brave words.  Every time I seal a letter to my mother, knowing my father will read it, I feel his censure...I’m not doing enough for my mother...I’m not saying the right things....loving her in the right way...communicating the way I should be.  With every sealed card my stomach does one little flip-flop... ‘You’re not good enough’ it says. But, it’s been quieted to a whisper, instead of a roar.

Approval is a funny thing.  Biologically and sociologically, we are wired to rely on it.  At it’s very basic scientific level it is a survival mechanism.  It teaches us how to get along as a human being.  We cannot totally rid ourselves of the need to look for approval, to expect that we are getting something right.  However, we can be mindful of how much of our behavior, and our self worth is tied up in this need.  If I can’t be true to myself, and be comfortable in my own skin then the feedback that I am receiving is of NO value.  None...period.  Bearers of false feedback need to be turned away.  They are not bearing ‘gifts’, information that will assist me in becoming a more confident, self actualized human being.  They are, in fact, looking to empower themselves, to feed their ego and their need to feel bigger, better and more.  Let them feed on someone else, I say.

So here's the rule : Seek out those individuals that intrinsically allow you to be calm, comfortable and secure in being yourself.  You will recognize them for the gift that they are because, while in their presence, you will feel your inner beauty shine. You will see that light reflected back at you in their eyes, and your true self will blossom.  

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I would love to hear your comments.  Do you feel tied up, in certain relationships, with a constant need of approval?  Do you have people in your life that fuel the real you, the one that is often too shy to be expressed to the ‘regular’ world?  

If you feel so inspired, please comment below.  Or, express one of your authentic thoughts that has bubbled up, but as yet has remained unsaid. 

I see your inner beauty.  I would love to see it shine!