The Lesson I Have Learned...Again

It’s funny.  You do all this soul searching, heart wrenching work on yourself until you get to a point that you think ‘Phew!  I’m done.  I am finally comfortable in my own skin.  I can go through my day without berating myself at every turn.  I’m OK with me.’

Then darn it all, if that stupid Personal Growth Fairy doesn’t feel the need to swing by j-u-s-t one more time.  

Something quite ordinary happened yesterday, and that pesky voice of self doubt and self worth started whispering again.  I guess I should be happy it’s been toned down from the ugly, roaring beast it used to be.  But still... I thought this relationship was over.  HEY, stupid Personal Growth Fairy...what’s the lesson this time?  

This never ending harping of value and ability begs the question, what mechanism is it in our brain that just can’t wait to chime in ‘Your not good enough.’  Like a spoiled toddler that has received too much attention, this child of my mind continues to call out to me, demanding to be heard.  ‘You can’t do that.’ it says.  ‘You’re not that clever.’  ‘That’s out of your range of abilities, tell them no.’

I have to admit, I’m tired of fighting this fight.  It’s like poison ivy of the spirit.  It pops up again and again, with each new spring.  I’m mindful of where I step, careful of where I put my feet and then WHAM!  I wake up and find a scratchy rash all over my ankle... again.  I’ve done this before.  I don’t want to go through it, again.  I’m tired of getting this rash of self-flagellation....   Shoot...where’s the crappy calamine lotion.

But, of course, I won’t give up.  Much like being chased by a bully on the playground, I must screw up my courage, turn with conviction - plant my feet squarely on the ground - and boldly face my tormentor.  Yes, I am frightened.  For he knows my weaknesses. He know exactly how to strike with crippling effect.  But I know that if I look him in the eye with conviction and strength, if I speak with power and determination, I will triumph. 

In a clear voice, drawn from the very depths of my soul, I say ‘GO AWAY!’  ‘You have no power over me anymore.  I’m not afraid of you.  I’m not going to listen to you.  I’m not going to run from you.  If it’s a fight you want, I’m prepared.  I am strong.  I am good enough.  I can do anything.  So, bring it on, baby.’

I have learned this lesson, yet again.  I’ll never give up the fight.  I have come too far. I have conquered too much to ever give in.  I’m worth the fight, no matter how tired I become.  Because I am good enough, and I won’t ever forget that again.