Dear Dad....

I am shaking.  The final ‘Dear Dad’ letter has been drafted and sent.  I feel the fear of a child that something terrible is going to happen.  The adult in me knows that he holds no power over me.  But, still I shake.  I cannot help the visceral, psychological programming of my youth.  I am afraid.

I am crying.  Tears run down my face, I weep for the child that was belittled, degraded, continually and methodically disempowered, told not to be so sensitive, not to be the very essence of who she was.  I cry for a little girl so sad and confused, wanting only to please, never getting it right.  I mourn the loss of this beautiful soul.  She was such a precious thing that was not allowed to thrive.

I am proud.  Overcome with the bravery of a teenager that chose to face this man head on, demanding to be heard, demanding to be respected, struggling against an adult force to been seen and acknowledged.  You amaze me.  Your courage astounds me.  I wish I could have been there to cheer you on, to pat you on the back, to reward and encourage your bold move.

I am honored.  My heart is full knowing that I am cherished and respected by the most wonderful man in the world...my husband, who always loved me just the way I was.  Who saw the greatness in me long before I could see it, or acknowledge it in myself.

He is the gift I was given to remind me that I am a deserving human being.

I am loved.  I am at peace knowing that I have sons, a sister, and family that love me.  They respect who I am, and what I have become.  They have traveled this journey with me, supporting, caring and loving.

I am grateful.  Filled to the brim with the knowledge that I am a good friend.  I know this in my heart because I have wonderful friends.  They share, care, and listen.  We laugh, cry and celebrate together.  Their hearts are beacons of light to me.  I am drawn to them, hoping I offer them the same rewards.

The shaking has passed.  The tears have subsided.  One more page of this book has been written.  I know it is not the end.  It is the beginning of something wonderful, a release from a prison too long my captor.  Each time I say ‘no more‘ I grow stronger, more confident that I can do this.  I can succeed.  I can come away from this situation strong and whole.  Let the new ‘me’ shine!