Patience Leads To Self Discovery

Letters, letters, letters.  How many versions of my ‘Dear Dad’ letter have I written?  I think I’m up to 10, maybe more.  It is really interesting the role all of these letters have played.  I have written them while crying, while shouting to be free. I have written them in outrage and anger. I have written them from my perspective as a child, an adult, a daughter, the abused.  I have hand-written, typed, blogged, shared, posted, and mailed them to myself.  And with each telling, each outpouring, I have gained clarity, confidence and calm.  I have learned to trust my judgement, love myself, forgive, and forget. 

Thank heaven I wasn’t impetuous enough to send the first, the second, or even the most recent, from yesterday.  I’m still not ready.  The words are not right.  Had I sent earlier versions, the angry, the weak, the judgmental, the accusatory, I would have created a much more difficult situation than already exists.  That’s not to say that I don’t need to, or won’t speak up for myself, because I will.  The beauty is, as I wait, as I process, as I reflect and receive feedback from those that have read this one or that, I see a phrase that will inflict unnecessary pain.  I notice a recounting that isn’t quite accurate because I wanted my point to really be heard, so I embellished a bit.  One letter was written in fear, the message vague, the point rambling, another too detailed, so focused was I on finally being heard.

With each writing I continue to ask myself ‘What do I want to come out of this?’.  The answer has continued to changed, thankfully, for the better.  It has continued to morph into a very clear and powerful definition of who I am for all the world to see, not just my father.  I am slowly defining the me I have the courage to be, the me that accepts nothing less.  The me that deserves better.

I am so grateful for those who have stood by me, read for me, listened to me, who urged patience.  They were so wise.  They have aided my journey to a destination of such sweetness, and calm that I feel I no longer have anything to lose.  I know that when I get it right, and I will, and it will be soon, all will be well.  Because I have taken the time to listen, quiet and still, to that very special voice inside me that speaks the most beautiful truth that only my ears can hear.  The truth of my soul, of my heart.  The truth that is my power, my essence.  I will move forward with no regret.  And, it truly is a blessing.