Growing Pains
It has been 8 weeks since I declared ‘enough’ in my mind. I thought I would feel freer, somehow. I admit, a unique sort of stillness has inhabited my heart and spirit, a soothing balm to my weary self. ‘Enough’ I said. ‘I will not be treated this way 1 more time.
I will not be manipulated, degraded, shouted at, or ridiculed. This behavior ends here and now’ So, why do I continue to feel confused and unsure? Why do I continue to question my choices, my comments, my path?
Such is the life of an abused child. Free from the bonds of my abuser, I find I have no rules to rely on. When I threw out the book, saying ‘no more!’ I threw away all the definitions and guidelines of ‘acceptable’ behavior and protocol. I am left with a big, empty slate. I can write my own rules, create my own guidelines. But, the lines are so blurred.
I will not be manipulated, degraded, shouted at, or ridiculed. This behavior ends here and now’ So, why do I continue to feel confused and unsure? Why do I continue to question my choices, my comments, my path?
Such is the life of an abused child. Free from the bonds of my abuser, I find I have no rules to rely on. When I threw out the book, saying ‘no more!’ I threw away all the definitions and guidelines of ‘acceptable’ behavior and protocol. I am left with a big, empty slate. I can write my own rules, create my own guidelines. But, the lines are so blurred.
I was taught, and I believe, that you should always forgive, always say you’re sorry, be the bigger person, make the first move. I don’t trust these rules anymore, for they are the reason I lived the life of the abused for so long. I don’t want to ‘forget it’, call first, hear the excuses, be asked to forgive. I am...apathetic. I just don’t care, anymore, whether my father loves me or not, whether he’s angry or not, whether he’s forgiven me for made up grievances or not. I’m tired of the game. I no longer care what the perceived prize is, acceptance or love. I don’t care.
Apathy is new to me, though. It’s all uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Freed from the bonds of caring too much, of seeking approval that will never come, I am lighter. But, I’m lost, floating on turbulent waters, getting caught in eddies, turned around and around until right is wrong and up is down. I am adrift, and it's frightening.
I believe I need to ride this tide. I need to hold tight to my conviction that I am right this time...the most important ‘right‘ I have ever been. This is not the time to waffle or wane. This is not the time to be the ‘bigger man‘ or put it behind me. This is the ultimate test. This will decide what my future looks like, feels like, what this relationship will hold. I am right. My choice is right. ‘Giving in‘ rewards untenable, abominable behavior. I deserve better. I am worth more than this. I will hold out regardless of what the voices in my head have been trained to say. I can teach them new words, new phrases. Because this is the new me.
Apathy is new to me, though. It’s all uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Freed from the bonds of caring too much, of seeking approval that will never come, I am lighter. But, I’m lost, floating on turbulent waters, getting caught in eddies, turned around and around until right is wrong and up is down. I am adrift, and it's frightening.
I believe I need to ride this tide. I need to hold tight to my conviction that I am right this time...the most important ‘right‘ I have ever been. This is not the time to waffle or wane. This is not the time to be the ‘bigger man‘ or put it behind me. This is the ultimate test. This will decide what my future looks like, feels like, what this relationship will hold. I am right. My choice is right. ‘Giving in‘ rewards untenable, abominable behavior. I deserve better. I am worth more than this. I will hold out regardless of what the voices in my head have been trained to say. I can teach them new words, new phrases. Because this is the new me.
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