To The Victor Go The Spoils

Extricating yourself from an abusive relationship is an amazingly empowering undertaking, provided it doesn’t suck the life out of you in the process.  It takes a tremendous amount of bravery, and tenacity to capture every inch of freedom. 
Much like a war between enemies over a highly prized piece of property, your liberation becomes the treasure of a lifetime, small victories giving way to bigger victories with the occasional loss of ground thrown in.  Soldiers from both side, fighting to the death, each clinging to a the hope that they can triumph.  To the victor go the spoils, in this case my self respect.

I never thought it would be this hard.  Naive, I know.  But, there it is.  I anticipated the initial break would take great courage, and it did.  It just didn’t end there.  With each go round, as I continue to hold my ground, my father ratchets up the stakes, making it more and more challenging for me to remain true to my cause.

What is fascinating, is that I am so well programmed to believe that I am the one in the wrong, that no matter how abominable his behavior I continue to question my stand “Am I being childish for holding my ground?”  “What’s the big deal if I give in? I can just ignore it, as I have in the past.  He’s 87, he’s not going to change. So what’s the point?”

The point is, it’s wrong.  It was wrong when I was 5.  It was wrong when I was 25.  It is still wrong when I am 53, and my Mother’s health is failing. It’s just wrong.  Period. 

As we have continued to execute this dance of attempted dominance and betrayal,  I have moved from anger and outrage, to shock and fear, to my final destination. I am appalled.  I cannot believe that this individual, this person I have called ‘my Dad’ would stoop so low.  A person that I thought was a decent man, who I thought had a loving, kind heart, could sink to such manipulation.  But, he has...and it is this final act that has released me.

Before this, his love and approval was the prize, the 1 thing I desired most in this familial relationship, and would have done almost anything to receive.  I no longer value these gifts from him. Because, I don’t value his opinion enough any more to care.  When I look, with the eyes of a stranger, I don’t like what I see in this man.  I don’t respect what he has become...what he always has been.  I am tired of making excuses for his bad behavior...He had a difficult childhood. He never learned to deal with his pain, and emotions.  His wife is dying.  Those are painful and challenging experiences.  But, they don’t make abusing people acceptable.  The prize of his love and approval no longer exists.  I no longer care.  

He will continue to attack.  He wants his way, and that’s all he knows how to do.  And, I will block his attack with all the power and strength that I have gained.  I just can’t give in, or go back.  Because it will never change if I do.  By giving in, by ignoring the behavior, or making excuses,  I give him a free pass to abuse me, to treat me however he wants.  

This is the final battle.  The one where I lay down the rules.  I set the tone.  I decide the prize.  He will either play by these rules, or withdraw from the relationship.  I’m prepared for this.  And, interestingly, it brings me peace.  Because I have made these decisions with an open, loving heart.  I have not come to this place out of anger.

I am right.  This is right.  And, with this knowledge, this land of freedom is mine.